We are all just a broken toy.

This is the analogy that a drama therapy modality (Developmental Transformation) used to conceptualize client-therapist relationship. How can we help others when we are in pain? How can we be effective and treat others when we are broken?

I felt particularly “broken” in the past few weeks – work and life. There was violence in the city which affects my community and my colleagues. There was always a different flavor to the news when you heard it from someone you know. A homicide happened right outside a childcare site that we served in late October. Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness spread and consume our body and thoughts.

Are we safe? Am I safe? Is someone going to save us when we are not safe? Do they care?

When the sidewalks were cleaned, and the streets became “normal” again, it seemed like the murder never happened. We don’t really think about the fire when we don’t smell the smoke, right? We hit a wall when community safety is yet another issue that is too big of a question for our team. How can we hold the pain when there is simply too much?

As therapists, we tend to witness and absorb the feelings around us, especially when we feel paralyzed. We were trained to listen, empathize and sit with clients’ emotions. Sometimes we forget how much we are holding and how it subconsciously affect other aspects of life outside work. Feelings of loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, anger, isolation, desire to be heard, held, surrender emerge.

I am just a broken toy. The broken toy is the most played, treasured, adventurous toy in the toy box. It’s the child’s favorite toy. It’s most loved.

What was your broken toy? Who was your broken toy?

I got no answers. I only have more questions.

Wrote it this morning before the team meeting. My psyche is all over the place. Thank you for reading. Thank you, Vivian, for inspiring me to write more. “Your first writing won’t be your best writing. It’s all about practice.”